Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Can i drive?

In my last life (just months ago), I would have wanted to drive this adventure I am on right now- not this tractor per se- but this time of newness in my life.  I would have wanted to make sure I knew where I was going and that I had enough gas to get there. I have this ugly side to me that wants to maintain control in a weird/unattractive way and I know I am not alone.  Many artists have confessed the same mangy blocks I have~ perfectionism & fear.  Both are ugly, unnecessary, and halting.  

Leaving a tender-hearted artist tied up and unable to access what is possible, unable to even see what life really should be...

 It wasn't until last year that work really began in my creative life, to stop the madness of "not creating" and to set the little girl (in me) free...

I needed to stop believing "life-less" lies.  I had to let go...and start believing in God's creative abundance.  Big abundance.  Huge abundance.  Great-big-universe-full-of-love-abundance.
I had to let go of thinking that the creative world was for someone else.  

That the good ideas were tied up and taken.  

That the creative aspect of living was rigidly held (had to look a certain way), and was only for those that were artistically "worthy" of being a part of it.  

That to be creative meant I had to do something perfectly.  

Hey, I know they may sound super crazy ~ but these are the deep seated fears I had.  

Thankfully the doors were blown open on my insecurities.  Do you know my first step?  It was to see the injustice of those fears. To really see what sadness, hurt, loneliness, stress my life was without my creative expression.  I was so good at helping others, my husband, my four sons, family and friends, neighbors, but for me to see my hurting self and to step off the road to help her...that was big.     

With seeing and addressing my own pain, I had a wide-open-heart and a trusting spirit that God would intervene in my personal life and help me find my way through my fears.  It had to be easier (to be more simple) to find my way in this creative sphere...  

The littlest things started to happen.  

New paths and new doorways and new jobs to pull me out of my dailiness.  None of them felt very "creative"- but they were very stretching.  Each opportunity (travel, school work, my children's changing lives, husbands sickness) moved the boundaries of what I thought I was capable of...Push. Push. Push.  (Obviously sounds like childbirth and feels like it, too.)    

Brilliant teachers would simply show up, and sometimes I didn't recognize them as teachers,  but they all seemed to have something meaningful to share.  The somethings were usually powerful and convicting...and healing.    

Along the way I have learned a great deal about this creative world.  It isn't static or rigid or cliquish.  It isn't tightly held for other's enjoyment.  It is~

full of the divine

Every day isn't pink hollyhocks and sunshine - but it feels that good some days.  There is still hardship and questioning - that is life - but those moments are easier today.

Life is easier. There is peace to the madness~

I can step out into life freely. I see the ugly fear of failure and step out anyway.  I have had enough practice to know that I am not alone in this.  Others are on the same path.  It is a well used walkway...

And lovingly tended, too...  

There may not be a way to see the next adventure, or even see the next meal (when Mom gets inspired no one seems to get dinner?), but I push forward and trust God's grace is there. That I am supported.  That the teachers will be there when I am ready...and that I will have to stretch more (learning to finally appreciate my stretch marks - a brilliant thought!).  

Have you been on this path, too?  Have you found your new life of freedom from fear and perfectionism?   Do you have teachers you love and gratitude for all you have been blessed with - as hard as it is?

One of my favorite teachers of late is Kelly Rae Roberts.  She is an incredible girl with a divine gift for reaching into hard places and tending the soul ~ and pushing those boundary lines out in a huge way.  I am so grateful for her and the help she has given me.  Thank you!  

Today is a new and lovely place~ with love and lambs, 
I am praying for your journey today,

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